Our society paints a pretty picture of pregnancy. The end result, your baby in your arms IS magical, but I am not sure that is the adjective I’d use to describe pregnancy itself. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my third child, which means I have been growing a human inside of me for approximately 2.3 years of my life. Said experience gives me the confidence to say pregnancy is brutal. They say anything worth doing is not easy, and pregnancy sure follows that logic. Whether a mom to be is puking, peeing, or waddling, none of it is glamorous. Of course, there are no words to describe holding your newborn for the first time, but this post isn’t about that.
Here are some unfiltered truths about pregnancy from a mama of (soon to be) three:
1. Bird Box Vagina Mission
With everything else going on with our bodies it is absurd mothers to be are worried about what it looks like downstairs, but we are. The truth is when you’re pregnant your vagina is anything but sacred. From your first doctors appointment on, medical professionals are all up in there! Not to mention, those pesky husbands whose sex drive does not go dormant during the nine months of pregnancy (more on that topic later). Needless to say we still have to maintain down there, and as the months pass the task gets harder and harder. At nine months pregnant I can not see a damn thing when I’m shaving... it is like a scene from the movie Bird Box. I know delivery day is coming soon, and I don’t want it to be a jungle down there, so I do the deed by feel and hope for the best. Let’s be honest, our husbands know better than to complain about the patch work.
2. Pee, Pee, Pee
During the first trimester you have to pee all the time. The pregnancy books say this sensation goes away for the second trimester, and then returns when the baby’s head starts putting pressure on mommy to be’s bladder. I’m not sure who writes said books, but in my experience I have to pee from the moment I take a pregnancy test until I deliver my baby. There is no period of relief. As a pregnant woman (and in general) I try my best to drink my daily intake of water... this means basically setting up shop in the bathroom. At night it is like your little one knows you’re trying to rest, and does jumping jacks on your bladder, at least my three kiddos have. I swear, I go potty at least 4 times a night, no exaggeration.
3. Puke, Puke, Puke
Some women are lucky. Some pregnant women do not have any morning sickness. I ENVY these women. With both of my girls I was puking for a solid 5 months straight. The “morning” part of morning sickness is bullshit. I’m sure a man named it, because it is more like an all day affair. Sometimes it is a certain smell that set me off, sometimes it is the mention of food, or a sudden movement, or just for the fun of it. I spent so much time in the bathroom this pregnancy that my four year old thought nothing of it...
”Mommy, when you’re done puking will you get me some chocolate milk?”
or
”Can you make me some eggs for breakfast after you’re done puking?”
Kids are relentless.
4. Belly Button Reform
Amy Schumer makes a joke about her pregnant belly button in her new stand up special. She says she tapes it down with two bandaids and then lifts up her dress to show the audience. She is 100% correct. During all three pregnancies my belly button has become a creature of its own. The difference between Amy and I is I don’t care enough to tape mine down. I let that bad boy poke out through all of my clothes like a badge of honor. Another interesting tid-bit about pregnancy and belly buttons is... remember when you were sixteen and your mom told you not to get that piercing? And you did it anyway? I haven’t had my belly button pierced for years, but there is a cute stretched out scar to remind me how my mother is always right. Just another badge of honor, right?
5. Hormones
Pregnancy hormones ARE NO JOKE. There is no rhyme or reason to the crazy things us pregnant women say and/or think.
Dear Husbands, Family, and Friends,
Please be patient with us. We will return to normal after this human exits our body. Well maybe not immediately after, but eventually. In the mean time please feed us when we are hangry, and let us rest when we are grumpy.
Sincerely,
Pregnant Women everywhere
6. Zero Sex Drive
Some pregnancy books say women have high sex drives while pregnant. I’d like to meet these women, and learn their ways. MAYBE while pregnant with baby #1 women have enough energy to care and want sex. MAYBE. But I can promise you that 99% of women with one or more kids does not give a flying hoot about sex while they are growing a human. Men, if your pregnant woman is jumping you at the door for sex YOU HAVE A UNICORN, a majestic being of a woman. I’m not saying women don’t have sex while pregnant, because we do. We have sex on the rare day we feel normal during the first two trimesters, and we have sex out of obligation during the third trimester, because we love our men, and we know there will be a 6 week dry spell after delivery. The last two weeks of pregnancy don’t count. All pregnant women want to have sex then. Why? BECAUSE WE WANT THIS BABY OUT OF US, and experts say semen can ripen the cervix. So don’t be offended guys, we’re using you for your jizz. I don’t think you guys care why we are having sex, you’re just happy to do your part.
7. Heartburn
There isn’t much to say about heartburn except for it sucks. Experts say if you experience heartburn your baby will have a full head of hair, and my kiddos lived up to this suggestion. I gave birth to two little monkeys. I’m anxious to see if our third baby will follow in her siblings footsteps.
8. Hair Growth
Nobody tells us that when we are pregnant our bodies sprout hair in places hair should not be. It is not cute. There is no need to go any further into this subject, you get it.
9. Nipples
If I were to take a picture of my normal nipples and put it beside a picture of my pregnant nipples you would not think it was the same nipple in both pictures. Pregnant nipples are darker and bigger. It is perfect for hungry babies, but not so good for mommy’s morale. Also, nobody tells first time moms that breast milk comes out of many little holes, not just one. There are so many things about breastfeeding that nobody mentions, but that is a post for a different day.
10. Back Pain
Having a Watermelon on your belly does wonders for your back... said no pregnant woman ever. Back pain is REAL during pregnancy. My heating pad has been my best friend. I think we are programmed to forget how bad our backs hurt during pregnancy or none of us would agree to go through it more than one time.
Too up close and personal for you? Sorry, I’m not sorry. Nothing about pregnancy is private or glamorous. Us pregnant women certainly do not feel like we are glowing. But I can say with all of my heart that every uncomfortable minute, and every minute I spent with my head in the toilet is completely worth it. There is no feeling more magical than holding your newborn baby for the first time. Women are strong, and we endure the roller coaster of pregnancy for the adorable prize at the end.
Comentarios