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To Share or Not to Share?

We told people we were pregnant the day we found out. We had been trying to get pregnant, and it was my third time attending this circus. I knew the signs, which means we found out pretty damn early. The day I saw two little pink lines, I was about 5 weeks pregnant. We shared a baby announcement a week later after our first baby appointment. I could hear the fear in some of my friends voices after they asked the due date, and did the math in their head. We let the cat out of the bag long before that pesky 12 week rule. Here is why...

Miscarriage happens. It happens to daughters, mothers, sisters, aunts, and friends all around us. These women are facing one of the most devastating times of their lives alone, because discussing pregnancy, miscarriages and infant loss makes people uncomfortable. Ya’ll know how I Feel about uncomfortable conversations, right? They. Need. To. Happen.

There is no reason a woman should have to face losing a child alone just to guard other people’s feelings. It should go without saying, but a woman needs her husband, boyfriend, friends, and/or parents during such a time of turmoil. Would we go through a divorce, or death of a parent without the support of our family and friends? Nope, because isolation does not heal the heart. If a woman chooses to keep the experience to herself that should be solely her choice, and not pressured by society.

Let’s say that men were the ones to carry children. Do you think for one second they’d go through the first trimester silently just to ease women’s minds? I don’t know about the men in your life, but my husband doesn’t get a cold without everyone knowing about it. Me, the kids, his mom and dad, his boss, his buddies... everybody knows just how horrible that man cold is because he can’t stop talking it. I’d say its a safe bet my husband wouldn’t withstand something like morning sickness, fatigue, or any other first fun trimester perks silently. So why are we expected remain silent during what some women say is the most difficult time of pregnancy just to make others more comfortable?

Could you imagine a world where men grew up talking about pregnancy? A world that didn’t make pregnancy a women’s topic, and miscarriages a taboo subject? We would have husbands, sons, boyfriends, and friends who were empathetic to our pain. Men who could relate to a situation because they helped their mother, sister or friend through a similar experience. All I’m saying is we are not doing young men any favors by keeping them in the dark about the statistics surrounding pregnancy. They could be better equipped emotionally and mentally as adults when it became their time to become parents. They would be better support systems for the women in their life. After all, we are a team right? What do we have to lose by opening up? Who is the silence helping? It certainly does not help our women. Instead the silence isolates our pain. The silence makes it easier for men to disconnect from their emotions and their partners. Newsflash, miscarriages and infant loss impact fathers too. We as women, may house the child, but the loss is felt by everyone involved.

So to the women in my life who have loved and lost, I see you. I hear you. Please keep sharing your stories and healing your hearts. Break the silence, and make people uncomfortable. If talking these hard times helps then talk. Change happens outside of our comfort zones. If you are pregnant, share when you want to share. Five weeks into pregnancy is the perfect time to start being the mom you want to be, not the mother society expects. The people in our life should be there for the good times and the bad, not just the picture perfect moments on Facebook.

I had someone say to me, “Wouldn’t you feel silly if you had a miscarriage, and had to share that news online?”. Think about that question for a second. What a cruel world we live in. A world where a grieving mother has to worry about appearing “silly” after the death of a child. It is sad. It is eye opening. And it is not okay. Knock on wood, but the truth is a miscarriage is a very real possibility, for myself and all other pregnant women. What if I did miscarry? Beleieve me, I have thought about it. I think about all of the possibilities daily. The risks. The chances we are taking having a third baby. The fear is overwhelming if I allow it to take over. Pregnancy is a leap of faith. It is out of our control. And if sharing my story would help another mother feel less alone, damn right I would not hold back. Ladies, making and raising babies is hard work. It is hard on our bodies, our minds, and our hearts. Don’t hide or belittle those struggles because some people may not understand your journey. Their lack of understanding is THEIR problem, not yours.

Share or don’t share, just do what feels right to you. Do whatever your heart needs to do to heal.

My heart is with you.

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